Thursday, April 12, 2007



MY NEIGHBOR IS F'N CRAZY ! I don't mean just a lil weird. I mean bipolar, schizophrenic and off her meds, literally fucking crazy.(I was not told about her mental instability until months after I moved in, when one of the older tenants told me ) Imagine the voice of the posessed woman in The Exorcist, and that's what my neighbor sounds like about 3 nights a week. Yelling things like, "THIS IS MY FUCKINNNNNN HOOOOOUUUUUSSSSSEEEEEEEE !!!!!! or DAMN YOU TO HELL!!! She is especially fond of throwing things and slamming her door 3-4 times, before she thinks its shut. This is upon entry and exit. It's especially interesting when she calls the po because she's thinks people are stealing her things or breaking into her apt, and it's really just one of her personalities moving her own shit around. Mind you, this is the same neighbor that sits and stares out her sliding glass door then calls the police because people are watching her. It gets interesting enough that I like to turn off my tv and listen to her. Hopefully she isn't a danger to herself. I asked the other tenants if we should do anything, but they said they've tried calling mgmt and nothing gets done, It's funny but kinda scarry at the same time, I make sure my door gets locked right behind me. I don't need to wake up with some batshit crazy weirdo practicing poo art on my walls and quoting the exorcist in my apt.
Yesterday on my lunch hour, I stopped at my apt. to get my mail. The 2 lil old ladies were in the hall having coffee as per usual. They said that "crazy neighbor" was up to her same old tricks again. This was around 3pm. When I got home around 8:30 last night, there were 3 police cars in our driveway. Then silently cursed myself for not getting popcorn for the show the neighbor was about to provide. Apparently, one of the coffee ladies called and said we had a lunatic on the loose in our building. One officer let me in, there was one stationed at the other door and one by the laundry room. This was gonna be good. I get to my apt shut and lock the door behind me. Mind you, "Crazy" lives just across the hall from me. My show was going to be in peep hole vision tonight. I didn't have to wait long she was yellin. The po made there way up and knocked on her door. Po: " Is there a problem mame? " Crazy: " YOU GOD DAMN RIGHT THERE'S A PROBLEM! I'M SICK OF YOU NOT DOIN ANYTHING ABOUT THE BREAKINS HERE ! " Po: "Well mame. we're actually here because your neighbors are concerned about the noise coming from your apt." Then a few unintelligible things were said and 2 officers went into her apt, and one stayed at the door. Much to my dismay I couldn't hear what was being said any more. I heard them leave and all was quiet for about an hour. This must have been when she decided she needed to go get some milk to take her crazy pills. Doors slamming and all, she was off in a fury. That was the end to my exciting evening. Now as my friends, I ask you all this. I may live alone, and enjoy having conversations with myself, and sing like I'm a rock star in the shower, maybe even perform a few side shows for the plants, but If I ever get as crazy as the neighbor .... would you please have me put away ?

Thursday, April 5, 2007

The Birth of Girth

My first post, I'm giddy. It's like prom night all over again. The anticipation, the buildup, the singing, dancing, drinking and then and then....... oh yeah, bad analogy. Pardon me while I think of an event that didn't end in jug sweat and tears.
I have something to say, I have stories to tell. I have questions, answers, pet peeves, anecdotes, quips, lessons learned, sarcasm, heartbreak and humor to share. "Can fat people do that?" , you ask. I reply with a resounding rotund "YES"! Am I proud to be plus ? No, but I am proud to be me. (Cue Richard Simmons cry scene. Enter Mary: grabbing said fro and puts the delicate flowers face to knee.) I don't want your pity, when I want your advice I will ask for it. I didn't ask to be this way, but I deal with it. Sometimes happily, sometimes despairingly. While there will be certain entries wearing the fat hat, I will not dwell on the misery that "the man" uses to oppress the journey of the joyous jollies.
"Who is this chick?" you ask. Sometimes I don't even know. I guess that's the fun in it. I can tell you..... I'm mouthy, sarcastic, loving, giving, pretty, sometimes not so pretty, crazy, grounded, proud, scared, sentimental, loyal to a fault (hurt me or a loved one and I f'n will cut you ). I like to cuss like a sailor on occasion, usually whilst driving, drinking (not at the same time)or playing Guitar Hero. I try to live honestly, key word here is try. And I honestly expect honesty in return. Most importantly, I take humor seriously! OK, that joke was a lil campy, but I'm writing it, so bugger off. Love me or leave me............

(Ah the end of the first blog...... and not nearly as disappointing as prom night. )